Friends with Benefits....

Disclaimer: This blog post may contain graphic material only suitable for adults with an emotional maturity older than that of a 22 year old man. This is not a high standard, but you've been warned.

We have all heard of this term. We all know someone that's been involved in a "friends with benefits" situation at some point. We all have an opinion on why these arrangements are an awful, terrible, very bad idea or a fucking fantastic idea. Turns out most men think it's an amazing idea (shocking right?!) and most women think it's an awful idea that will only end in heartache (again, another shocker!) I think it's a crap shoot. You might get lucky and your "friends with benefits" situation could turn into a serious committed relationship that is everything you have ever imagined. Or you might be devastated when you realize that you want more to be more than just friends with benefits - but he (or she) doesn't. Or it could work out in perfect synchronization and you meet someone else that is serious about dating you and you ditch your "friend" with no hard feelings - you each served your purpose and now you can just go back to being friends without any benefits.

I have been involved in a few of these "beneficial" situations and have found that, before anything else, you have to be prepared. Prepared for ANYTHING. Any possible outcome. You might lose a great friend (highly likely) or you might remain great friends and look back with fond memories on that time you had sex a few years ago (*rolls eyes*). Or, if you are me, you will probably end up in a situation with a great guy who is also your friend; your friend who has absolutely no desire to be in any kind of committed relationship (with you or anyone else), and you will foolishly think that by agreeing to a friends with benefits situation he might change his mind. Maybe he'll realize how amazing you are by sleeping with him- right? Wrong. He is going to have his cake and eat it too while you become emotionally attached. This is not going to end well. This never ends well. 

If I have learned anything from my "friends" that at one time were allowed special privileges, it is that....

1) you should be prepared to lose your friend. Say your goodbyes now because your friendship will never be the same (please see the above for clarification on this).  Sex will change things. Sex always changes things.

And 2) you can only call it "friends with benefits" if it is actually beneficial for both parties involved. There are many selfish people in this world that believe the "benefits" are you being able to see them naked, you being able to pleasure them, you being able to fall asleep next to them. Trust me, I have never felt like the lucky one, the one benefiting, when the guy snoring next to me came in under a minute and passed out, leaving me with the female version of blue balls. Lucky me! If the situation is not beneficial then why do it?! Isn't that the whole point of being friends with benefits?! To fulfill a need that is not currently being fulfilled by anyone else? If you are not getting off but he (she) is - you are in a lose/lose situation and quite frankly I'd rather spend that time with my vibrator and sleep alone. At least then I wouldn't have to fight anyone for the covers.If you're going to get involved in this situation pray for someone that's willing to get the job done and not leave you high and dry once they've finished their slice of cake. 


I can obviously only speak from a woman's perspective, but if I am in any kind of sexual relationship then I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him off. WHATEVER IT TAKES. But I expect a little reciprocity. I don't care if you have to grab your sleeping bag, flashlight, and pitch a tent in between my legs for the night, just GET THE JOB DONE. Don't smile at me after you've finished, stand up, put on your pants, kiss me goodnight & then sashay out of my apartment without a care in the world. Who the fuck thinks that this is okay?! No one thinks that this is okay - that's who. This will never be acceptable. This will get you called an asshole and the "benefits" will abruptly cease. Again, I can get myself off quicker than you can and I might as well do it myself if this is going to be the case. No more cake for you. 


Don't get me wrong, I have been in a few successful "friends with benefits" situations that were mutually beneficial and ended amicably. We are still friends to this day minus the benefits and that suits us. But there have been plenty that have gone wrong either because they were not mutually beneficial (see #2 above) or because those little things called attachment and feelings got involved and blew it all out of the water. Either way, they were good learning experiences and I hope that this has helped either educate you or, at the very least, entertain you.

The Danger in Labels....

I recently began spending time with someone, and I like to think it's kind of special. It was one of those situations where there's physical attraction intially but you only kind of know them, without really knowing them, and as soon as you start getting to know them better you see them in an entirely different way. Things have been going really, really well. I enjoy spending time with him and love the conversations that we have. I don't know where it's going yet but I'm enjoying where it's at right now and trying not to worry about the future.

We have a lot of conversations about a variety of topics and one that was had recently got me thinking about relationships and labels people use for them. It also became glaringly clear that he and I have very different views and definitions of what those labels mean. I also became aware of the weight that those labels carry, they have a lot of meaning that society has assigned to them and that's hard to ignore. Specifically, I have found the definition of "dating" to be quite confusing. Particularly because a lot of men misinterpret a woman's desire for a relationship with a woman's desire for a relationship with them specifically, this is not always the case. Yes, I want a relationship (who doesn't) and I date to find out if I want a relationship with you, not as a means to trick you into one. I need an evaluation period just as much as you do.  

Now, there may be many definitions and opinions on this subject but in my opinion, a date refers to an activity that two people share with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. Therefore, two people who are "dating", have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another that they are interested in more than just a friendship. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over a period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing. You don't decide whether you see a future with someone before you date them, you date them to figure that out.

But, I seemed to be speaking a foreign language to him. Non capisco. I began to wonder if perhaps I didn't understand the definition of dating. Maybe it had changed and I had missed the memo. So, I did what anyone would do...I looked it up on Wikipedia.

"Dating is a form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse."

Phew. Wikipedia and I were in agreement. Dating is something you do before you enter into a relationship. It includes activities, not just text messages. It is a period of evaluation. I thought this was the definition understood by men and women everywhere. But obviously I was wrong.

This made me think it’s possible that all singles are floating around out there with different definitions of “dating.” For everyone's sake, I think we need to come up with an agreed upon definition. It seems hazardous to proceed without one. I'm going to attempt to set some guidelines here to avoid further confusion.

* Booty Call: Sex is the primary motivator. You don't go out in public together and you're maybe not even friends.

* Friends with benefits: Being friends is the primary motivator, but you have sex as well if you're both single. You hang out as friends without it being romantic.

* Dating (casually): More traditional dating. Not exclusive and does not imply a commitment, you can still date other people. You communicate frequently but there is not an assumption of invites to parties or being available on 'date' nights (friday/saturday).

* Dating (exclusively): Same as above but sexually exclusive (probably for safety reasons).

* Seeing someone: Dating someone exclusively (but without an official commitment) because you see them as having potential for more and don't want to screw it up and/or other people are no longer interesting to you. Has probably met your friends but they don't assume you'll bring the person to group events. You couldn't assume you were allowed to stay the night.

* Having a boyfriend or girlfriend: Dating someone exclusively with a commitment to someone that you're not looking for other people. You like them enough that you're not interested in seeing other people. Probably see them with a frequency of once or twice a week. Your friends know them and assume you will bring them to group events/parties etc. You could probably assume you are allowed to stay the night.

* A serious relationship: You see each other often. You can show up at any time without needing permission and you probably spend most nights together anyway. You assume that you will go on trips together and you probably have a key to their place.

While trying to figure out what "dating" actually is and how it's defined I realized the most important thing of all and I think Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she said "Maybe some labels are best left in a closet." Her statement was in reference to people and the labels that we give ourselves and others, I want to go a little further and include the labels that we give relationships. Maybe when we label relationships-talking, seeing each other, casually dating, dating exclusively, etc. - we forget to look past the label to the actual relationship that's happening. If you are happy with someone, does it really matter what you call it? Does the label define how happy you are? After thinking about it I decided that the label isn't that important to me, I'm happy and that's the most important part.

Making a list & checking it twice....

Following my last date, as amazing as it was, it was back to the drawing board. I logged onto the dating website and began to go through the many unread emails that filled my inbox. I did not read any that piqued my interest enough to reply but I did have a good laugh...so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time!


But I did realize that the online dating world just wasn't working out for me. After hundreds of emails and a few unsuccessful (to say the least) dates I realized that I was attempting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with but I was looking in the wrong place. The harsh reality is that most of these guys are online for a reason (there are the exceptions of course), but a majority are socially awkward, unattractive and carrying around some serious baggage (hello AA!). When I sat down and thought about what I was doing I realized that in my effort to really get to know people, to expand my options, and to not base my view of their potential on their attractiveness, all I ended up doing was compromising things that I want in a partner. Don't get me wrong...I did not compromise any major things and I never would. I have certain things that I look for in a guy that are non-negotiable (these are the deal breakers), some must have characteristics and I have other things I look for that are nice to have but aren't really necessary. An example of something that would be nice to have is that I prefer men with dark hair and hazel or green eyes; if I met a man with these qualities I would be in heaven and it would definitely increase my attraction to him but at the end of the day lack of those specific features are not deal breakers for me, but they would still be nice to have!


I firmly believe that everyone should have 2 lists of some sort, either formally or informally, one of deal breakers and another of qualities that are "must haves". I don't suggest you go crazy with these lists...if you have 100 qualities on your list and you're not willing to compromise on any of them then you are going to be alone for a very long time! My suggestion is always 5 deal breakers and perhaps 10 other qualities that you would like someone to have, your "must have" (again that number is flexible and is only a guideline). In determining what your deal breakers are I always suggest asking yourself: What are the things that you simply will not accept or tolerate in your relationship?


After asking around (both men & women) and taking my own lists into account, here are the most commonly occurring deal breakers:


1) Cheating
Cheating is such a slap in the face to you, to your trust, to whatever you've built in your relationship, and to the other parties integrity. The second they've cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. People will either cheat or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated, you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the relationship deal breaker that everyone I asked named and if it occurs in your relationship you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.


2) Abuse/Inability to Manage Anger
This includes any and all types of abuse, from the obvious to the lesser known/less obvious. If your significant other lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to walk away and don't look back. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing the person you're with respect every day by valuing them as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is able to fly off the handle (either physically or psychologically) and really try to hurt you, they are unhinged you need to let them go.


3) Substance Abuse
A problem with drugs or alcohol is a very big deal. When drugs or alcohol are involved priorities shift and everything (including your relationship) takes a back seat to feeding that addiction. If you suddenly discover that your significant other has a substance abuse problem it's a deal breaker. The only exception to this is if you helped to contribute to that problem or it developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create.


4) Lying
This is a tough one. Let's say you've just caught your significant other in a relatively small lie, maybe he/she didn't go to the grocery store like they said they did and instead went for a drink with a friend. Maybe your significant other broke your date because they weren't feeling well, but later you find out that they went to the movies. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship--well, that's a nice way to think about it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If someone's willing to lie about things of minor importance, then they're probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Once trust is betrayed it's hard to restore and, lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker.


5) Rude Behavior
Sometimes the little things such as a simple "please" and "thank you" make all the difference. In a relationship, in addition to mutual respect for each other it is important to know that the person you are with is capable and willing to be kind and respectful to others. Maybe on your first date their rude to the waitress and you think "no big deal", but those things start to add up and that rude behavior may carry over onto you one day.

There are many other deal breakers but they are not universal and are person specific. Some examples are poor hygiene, laziness and pessimism. Must-haves are also pretty universal, across both men and women, but their importance varies between the sexes, for example men place attractiveness higher on their list of must-haves than women do. Here are the common must-haves:

1) Sense of humor
2) Affectionate
3) Chemistry
4) Good communication
5) Loyalty
6) Honest
7) Stong character
8) Financially responsible
9) Passionate
10) Patient
11) Attractive
12) Ambitious

I took this time to remind myself of what I am looking for and what is essential in a relationship for me. I also deactivated my online dating accounts and decided it was time to move my dating back into the real world. It's time to find someone that has the characteristics and traits that I am looking for in real life, not just on their online dating profile.