Next Please!

I realize that you all are probably wondering what happened with the motorcycle guy (aka the attorney)...things seemed like they were going fantastically right?! Well, it turns out that things are not always as they seem, and this is a great example of that. That, and things got really complicated when a certain someone reappeared in my life and turned it upside down again.
On a side note, someone recently mentioned to me that these stories can get pretty confusing for them since I refer to these guys in different descriptions on here than I do in real life...so let me clarify for everyone. The motorcycle guy is the Attorney (and will from now on be referred to as the attorney) and Cute Boy from the wedding is the Firefighter (but I'm still going to refer to him as the Cute Boy)!
Back to the attorney...things were going well, we had hung out a few times and things were going slowly, which is great and exactly what he talked about. Then a certain Cute Boy began texting me again, which at first I thought of merely as a great distraction that was allowing me to take things slowly with the attorney, but began to progress into more than a simple distraction. Why can't I seem to stay away from this boy?! I had a great guy in front of me that wanted to take things slowly in a gradual progression toward a serious relationship, he has a successful career, he is financially independent, he is ready to get married and have a family when he meets the right girl...and yet I find myself constantly drawn back to the Cute Boy that can't seem to offer me those same things, but that I just have an amazing feeling about. So, once I started texting with the Cute Boy again my communcation drastically decreased to the attorney and since I am not one to just disappear on someone after I've had a few dates with them, I decided I needed to let him know what was going on (kind of). We then had the awkward conversation about how he is a perfectly nice guy but he's just not the guy for me, there's not a lot of physical chemistry, blah blah blah, and decided to just be friends. It all ended on a good note and in the end we are still friends! He is an attorney after all, and who couldn't use a little legal advice every now and then ;) 

The Elusive Unavailable Man...

After my latest romance with the motorcycle guy fizzled (more on that another day) and a Cute Boy from the past reappeared in my life, I began to wonder why I seemed to continue to engage in a pattern of dating unavailable men. Why was my love life on the fast track to nowhere? I realized that these men do not initially appear unavailable, in fact, they usually do all of the amazing things that you want any guy to do that you first start dating. They sometimes even jump in, head first, to this new relationship that you’ve started and you feel completely and totally adored…only for them to hit the brakes shortly thereafter by either completely ceasing communication with you (therefore breaking up with you in an immature manner) or behaving in such an inconsistent manner that it would make any sane person want to bang their head against a wall. While these men may appear completely available and eager, they are not available, not even a little bit. These men are emotionally unavailable, and as long as you continue to partake in their inconsistent behavior (and therefore encourage it) you will be indefinitely thrown into a cycle of drama and uncertainty. I have spent countless hours and sacrificed lots of sleep trying to determine what makes Mr. Unavailable seem so available at first, which is very deceiving, and then quite unavailable after a little while. He goes from hot one second to cold the next, and then back again. It’s a vicious cycle! Here's what I have come up with (aka my hypothesis):

He loves the thrill of the chase. These men have limited attention spans. He is quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as he feels like he doesn’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shine and sparkle. There is no incentive for him to continue to throw all of his energy at you.

He is too cowardly to admit that he is not ready for a relationship. Instead he just withdraws and acts distant, then puts in the minimal effort when you kick up a fuss about his poor behavior…or he needs some sex or attention.

He likes toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, he gets a kick out of reeling you in, wining and dining you…only for him to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.

He can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask him to step up to the plate and be with you properly and he flakes out and starts to protest how he’s not ready. So you walk away and he keeps calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a yo-yo girl.

He is very focused on short term benefits. He gets sex and attention without looking toward the future and how he is screwing with your mind. He may also fake a future to get what he wants in the short term...you know this guy, the guy that talks about the future from the beginning, only there is no future there's just the sex you're going to give him now. He gets what he wants while giving you what you want...the dream of a future with someone. 

He is undecided about you but likes keeping you off the market. He is like a dog in a manger…he is not sure if he wants you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you so he hogs up your life and keeps you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of him as your only option. 

And occasionally, he is so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of him...But this is a rarity and at the end of the day his behavior is still counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundation of a relationship!

Because this man appears available and appears able to give you everything you want, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them act differently when they eventually start to act differently (which they will). When he distances himself you can’t acknowledge what that means and instead focus on the fact that he was previously giving you all of the attention and adoration that you had yearned for. When you call him on his poor behavior he will either rapidly improve or tell you to stop being so needy, if you stick around long enough he will eventually get the message that he can do what he likes with and around you because you are still there, putting up with his poor behavior again and again. Inevitably, at that point you are going to get less than stellar behavior from him, and that will be the only consistent thing in your relationship.

The survival of any relationship is dependent on consistencies. Do not make the mistake of translating ‘he is hot and then cold’ into drama, or worse, something enjoyable. Men who are genuinely interested in you show you that they are on a consistent basis. Do not be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth. Do not be with a man that cannot give you what you want, regardless of the reason. 

The Dating Game...

The following day (after the first date with motorcycle boy) I actually had plans...until every single one of them was cancelled for one reason or another, and I found myself completely available. I decided this was a good time to call my date from the previous night and let him know, in a casual way, that I was free to meet up later. Which he eagerly agreed to and we made plans to get pizza & beer while watching the game that was on that night. Awesome! I was super excited about seeing him again (which unfortunately made the rest of the day seem longer than usual). He showed up later that night at my apartment, we went out for a bit, returned to my home, and sat talking for HOURS before calling it a night way past my bedtime. We even talked about all the stuff you're not supposed to talk about on a first (or second) date and neither of us were phased by it, we actually were able to joke about the inappropriateness of it. It was perfect! Before he left that night we briefly discussed our plans for the next day as well, and agreed that should I have time we could get together then as well. Oh my! 3 days in a row...this was getting crazy! 

The next day I had plans until late afternoon and resisted calling or texting this new guy until a couple hours before I would be free. I let him know that I would be back in the City later and could meet him somewhere for a bit before I needed to get back home. We agreed to meet downtown and then head back to his neighborhood for a bite to eat around five. The pick up from downtown was a little chaotic as both of our phones lost service (thanks Verizon!) but it all worked out and when I saw him, he appeared cuter than I had remembered him being the past 2 days. Which was not a bad thing! We walked, we ate, we talked, we kissed, and then he took me home while we agreed to see each other again. :) 

After our whirlwind of a weekend (3 dates in 3 days!), I was feeling excited and optimistic about things with this guy. He appeared ready for a relationship, which was a welcomed change from the Cute Boy at the wedding who was not ready for that, and he was established in a successful career already. No multi-tasking necessary here! He does, however, have a career that demands 99% of his attention Monday through Friday (and some weekends); so I was prepared to not see him during the work week and did not expect him to text or call during the day either. So imagine my surprise when I got a text from him Monday morning at work saying that he would like to take me out for my birthday (that was the following week)! After some discussion we decided to go out the following weekend, but definitely to see each other before then! If that was shocking, I was completely unprepared the following day when he suggested we go out mid-week for dinner and perhaps a slumber party. An innocent slumber party! Get your minds out of the gutter! He suggested that I could stay at his place since we were planning to have drinks and could go to work from there in the morning, he even offered to sleep on the couch if this was the case. I was impressed by his forethought and his suggestion to go out despite his busy work week. Of course I said yes and looked forward to seeing him again. 

Our mid-week date night arrived, we met at his apartment, walked around the neighborhood (literally, we went in a giant circle) and we had delicious dinner that solidified that he was a guy I could really date. For one....Sushi? Yes, please! Second, we sat down and I was so hungry that I couldn't decided what I wanted...so he ordered for us! I know this is old-fashioned, but I love it, especially if he orders things that I actually like. When we ordered beer he also made a point to order something different from me just in case I changed my mind once it got there! Wow...this guy is good!

After dinner we walked back to his place and talked some more while sipping yummy wine, until it was bedtime. I decided to stay the night for, what ended up being, a fairly innocent slumber party. In the morning I woke up to him getting ready for and leaving for work...and trusting me alone in his apartment after only 4 dates. Wow...I must be good! After getting ready for work and leaving I received a phone call from him checking to see that I made it out okay and made it to work (i.e. I hadn't burnt down his apartment nor robbed him). How considerate and thoughtful of him...and definitely not what I am used to. I began to appreciate this welcome and nice change from other guys that I had dated.

That weekend we chatted a few times and realized that we were both on the same page regarding relationships. Yes we were wanting to date someone with long term potential, but wanted to take things slowly in order to establish a strong foundation for that to happen. It was during those conversations that I started to realize, I did not have the slightest clue how to "take things slow"!. What does that mean?! I work really well with deadlines and schedules and established plans....casual and non-committal is SO NOT ME! But I guess if that's what taking it slow means...I'll play that game.