After my latest romance with the motorcycle guy fizzled (more on that another day) and a Cute Boy from the past reappeared in my life, I began to wonder why I seemed to continue to engage in a pattern of dating unavailable men. Why was my love life on the fast track to nowhere? I realized that these men do not initially appear unavailable, in fact, they usually do all of the amazing things that you want any guy to do that you first start dating. They sometimes even jump in, head first, to this new relationship that you’ve started and you feel completely and totally adored…only for them to hit the brakes shortly thereafter by either completely ceasing communication with you (therefore breaking up with you in an immature manner) or behaving in such an inconsistent manner that it would make any sane person want to bang their head against a wall. While these men may appear completely available and eager, they are not available, not even a little bit. These men are emotionally unavailable, and as long as you continue to partake in their inconsistent behavior (and therefore encourage it) you will be indefinitely thrown into a cycle of drama and uncertainty. I have spent countless hours and sacrificed lots of sleep trying to determine what makes Mr. Unavailable seem so available at first, which is very deceiving, and then quite unavailable after a little while. He goes from hot one second to cold the next, and then back again. It’s a vicious cycle! Here's what I have come up with (aka my hypothesis):
He loves the thrill of the chase. These men have limited attention spans. He is quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as he feels like he doesn’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shine and sparkle. There is no incentive for him to continue to throw all of his energy at you.
He is too cowardly to admit that he is not ready for a relationship. Instead he just withdraws and acts distant, then puts in the minimal effort when you kick up a fuss about his poor behavior…or he needs some sex or attention.
He likes toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, he gets a kick out of reeling you in, wining and dining you…only for him to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
He can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask him to step up to the plate and be with you properly and he flakes out and starts to protest how he’s not ready. So you walk away and he keeps calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a yo-yo girl.
He is very focused on short term benefits. He gets sex and attention without looking toward the future and how he is screwing with your mind. He may also fake a future to get what he wants in the short term...you know this guy, the guy that talks about the future from the beginning, only there is no future there's just the sex you're going to give him now. He gets what he wants while giving you what you want...the dream of a future with someone.
He is undecided about you but likes keeping you off the market. He is like a dog in a manger…he is not sure if he wants you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you so he hogs up your life and keeps you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of him as your only option.
And occasionally, he is so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of him...But this is a rarity and at the end of the day his behavior is still counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundation of a relationship!
Because this man appears available and appears able to give you everything you want, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them act differently when they eventually start to act differently (which they will). When he distances himself you can’t acknowledge what that means and instead focus on the fact that he was previously giving you all of the attention and adoration that you had yearned for. When you call him on his poor behavior he will either rapidly improve or tell you to stop being so needy, if you stick around long enough he will eventually get the message that he can do what he likes with and around you because you are still there, putting up with his poor behavior again and again. Inevitably, at that point you are going to get less than stellar behavior from him, and that will be the only consistent thing in your relationship.
The survival of any relationship is dependent on consistencies. Do not make the mistake of translating ‘he is hot and then cold’ into drama, or worse, something enjoyable. Men who are genuinely interested in you show you that they are on a consistent basis. Do not be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth. Do not be with a man that cannot give you what you want, regardless of the reason.
