Making a list & checking it twice....

Following my last date, as amazing as it was, it was back to the drawing board. I logged onto the dating website and began to go through the many unread emails that filled my inbox. I did not read any that piqued my interest enough to reply but I did have a good laugh...so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time!


But I did realize that the online dating world just wasn't working out for me. After hundreds of emails and a few unsuccessful (to say the least) dates I realized that I was attempting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with but I was looking in the wrong place. The harsh reality is that most of these guys are online for a reason (there are the exceptions of course), but a majority are socially awkward, unattractive and carrying around some serious baggage (hello AA!). When I sat down and thought about what I was doing I realized that in my effort to really get to know people, to expand my options, and to not base my view of their potential on their attractiveness, all I ended up doing was compromising things that I want in a partner. Don't get me wrong...I did not compromise any major things and I never would. I have certain things that I look for in a guy that are non-negotiable (these are the deal breakers), some must have characteristics and I have other things I look for that are nice to have but aren't really necessary. An example of something that would be nice to have is that I prefer men with dark hair and hazel or green eyes; if I met a man with these qualities I would be in heaven and it would definitely increase my attraction to him but at the end of the day lack of those specific features are not deal breakers for me, but they would still be nice to have!


I firmly believe that everyone should have 2 lists of some sort, either formally or informally, one of deal breakers and another of qualities that are "must haves". I don't suggest you go crazy with these lists...if you have 100 qualities on your list and you're not willing to compromise on any of them then you are going to be alone for a very long time! My suggestion is always 5 deal breakers and perhaps 10 other qualities that you would like someone to have, your "must have" (again that number is flexible and is only a guideline). In determining what your deal breakers are I always suggest asking yourself: What are the things that you simply will not accept or tolerate in your relationship?


After asking around (both men & women) and taking my own lists into account, here are the most commonly occurring deal breakers:


1) Cheating
Cheating is such a slap in the face to you, to your trust, to whatever you've built in your relationship, and to the other parties integrity. The second they've cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. People will either cheat or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated, you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the relationship deal breaker that everyone I asked named and if it occurs in your relationship you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.


2) Abuse/Inability to Manage Anger
This includes any and all types of abuse, from the obvious to the lesser known/less obvious. If your significant other lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to walk away and don't look back. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing the person you're with respect every day by valuing them as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is able to fly off the handle (either physically or psychologically) and really try to hurt you, they are unhinged you need to let them go.


3) Substance Abuse
A problem with drugs or alcohol is a very big deal. When drugs or alcohol are involved priorities shift and everything (including your relationship) takes a back seat to feeding that addiction. If you suddenly discover that your significant other has a substance abuse problem it's a deal breaker. The only exception to this is if you helped to contribute to that problem or it developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create.


4) Lying
This is a tough one. Let's say you've just caught your significant other in a relatively small lie, maybe he/she didn't go to the grocery store like they said they did and instead went for a drink with a friend. Maybe your significant other broke your date because they weren't feeling well, but later you find out that they went to the movies. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship--well, that's a nice way to think about it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If someone's willing to lie about things of minor importance, then they're probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Once trust is betrayed it's hard to restore and, lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker.


5) Rude Behavior
Sometimes the little things such as a simple "please" and "thank you" make all the difference. In a relationship, in addition to mutual respect for each other it is important to know that the person you are with is capable and willing to be kind and respectful to others. Maybe on your first date their rude to the waitress and you think "no big deal", but those things start to add up and that rude behavior may carry over onto you one day.

There are many other deal breakers but they are not universal and are person specific. Some examples are poor hygiene, laziness and pessimism. Must-haves are also pretty universal, across both men and women, but their importance varies between the sexes, for example men place attractiveness higher on their list of must-haves than women do. Here are the common must-haves:

1) Sense of humor
2) Affectionate
3) Chemistry
4) Good communication
5) Loyalty
6) Honest
7) Stong character
8) Financially responsible
9) Passionate
10) Patient
11) Attractive
12) Ambitious

I took this time to remind myself of what I am looking for and what is essential in a relationship for me. I also deactivated my online dating accounts and decided it was time to move my dating back into the real world. It's time to find someone that has the characteristics and traits that I am looking for in real life, not just on their online dating profile.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse....

Following the worst date ever I immediately went home and went to bed...I was feeling sick remember? The following day I was still not feeling well but managed to make it through the day at work. I was so looking forward to coming home, relaxing and watching mindless television until I passed out. The last thing on my mind was the winner that I went out with the night before...in fact, I had planned to forget all about him as soon as humanly possible. Well...then he texted me. Yeah, you heard that right! He obviously couldn't take a hint, was bad at reading body language and chose to ignore the fact that I had not contacted him at all since our lovely evening. Let me recap our text conversation that followed (I saved the texts just for this purpose!)

Him: So not even a thxs for the drink? K well good luck out there!
Me: I said thank you last night. But, wow, thanks. I have the flu remember.
Him: Well I haven't even gotten a text message from u what was I supposed to think?
Me: Maybe think that it's been 1 day! I'm sick and still had to work today. Texting you wasn't exactly at the top of my priority list.
Him: I was like aight no text dang I got dissed
Him: Okay well texting me back to say you had a good time shouldn't have been that difficult to do right?
Him: I hope ya feel better sorry if i'm coming off like a dick but I just thought u weren't feeling me so I wanted to say good luck to ya that's all...
Me: Thanks. You are coming off like a dick and I am not feeling you. I've been sick and in bed all day.
Him: How bout some make up sex j/k of course...look get better and I apologize for being all dickish let me make it up to ya when u get better...dinner on me?
Me: I'm not interested but thanks.
Him: So lame
Him: Can't believe what a drama queen u are thxs for saving me the trouble of finding out later!
Him: Btw next time a dude sends u a text after a date u might just wanna respond with a thxs me too...not that hard right?!
Me: I don't need dating advice but thanks. I will respond that way when it's true. Good luck.
Him: Take care and good luck!
*Then he called me 3 times! All of which I promptly ignored*
Him: I hate to make enemies just called to smooth things over

Luckily that was the last I heard from him. A few things I want to point out here...1) After 1 date no one owes anyone anything...you can not call and it shouldn't be a big deal (this is not okay after more than 2 dates though). If anyone makes a big deal of this it's usually the girl. No need to text someone angrily because they didn't feel how you did after one brief meeting. 2) Make up sex? Really?! In what universe is that funny at all? 3) I love that I apparently was the one being a "drama queen" and 4) There's a diagnosis for people like this...he's not just an alcoholic, he has other mental health issues as well. Clearly he's going to make some lucky girl very un-happy one day!

Now, I've had guys pull a disappearing act before or have had the mature conversation that it just wasn't going to work out...but never until that night have I had a guy yell at me because I wasn't interested in him. Is this a new phenomenon? Are guys so used to girls being desperate for any human touch that they don't know how to handle rejection anymore?

Quite possibly the Worst Date Ever....

The online dating site was going nowhere fast, but as I waded through the emails from weirdos I took the time to respond to a few guys that seemed somewhat normal. By "somewhat normal" I don't mean amazing. I don't mean they blew me away with their wit and winning personality. I mean they didn't look like stoners, were over the age of 25, and seemed to possess at least some career aspirations. I responded in part to prove to myself that I am not a shallow human being, and while looks and physical attraction matters, it's not the only thing that matters...I was branching out and basing my interest on personality and common interests! I also responded to give the somewhat decent/normal guys a chance...don't get me wrong, some of them had a better chance at being drafted onto a Major League Baseball team despite their never having held a bat....but the other ones I at least replied to and waited to see what would happen. I prepared to be unimpressed, but still was able to pat myself on the back for giving the underdog a chance!

I ended up sending a couple emails back-and-forth with a guy that lived nearby. He was 33 years old (finally, someone older!), he had 2 kids of his own (more understanding to my single mom situation), and liked doing outdoor activities. I decided to give him a chance so when he asked me to meet him at Dave & Buster's for games and drinks I agreed...somewhat hesitantly as I wasn't super impressed by him yet, but I was excited to whoop him in Skeeball! Seriously, I'm pretty good.

I arrived at Dave & Buster's after work one night, I should mention as I left work I noticed that my throat started hurting and I felt like I was coming down with something. But I was prompt and received a call just as I was walking inside from my date saying that he was running late and would be there in about 15 minutes...so I told him he could find me at the bar. I then walked directly to the bar, found a seat, ordered a beer, and watched in hopes that the Red Sox would lose the current game. (Go Angels!) He arrived about 20 minutes later, sat down next to me, ordered water and some appetizers, and just kind of stared at me awkwardly for a minute. When I looked over he said "Is this a date or what?" Wow! What a charmer! I replied "You were late and I'd like to see the end of this game. You made me wait...so you can wait." He didn't take this well but we continued to sit there. He offered me another beer and when I realized he was just drinking water I pointed out the obvious and said "Didn't you suggest coming here to get a drink?", upon which I was informed that he was actually a recovering alcoholic and had just finished 12 months in AA. Huh?! I needed a stronger drink...but I settled for a larger beer; a much larger beer! We sat and chatted for a little bit until I started feeling a little more sick and mentioned this out loud...to which he said "Let's go play some air hockey!" Ummmm....okay. As we walked over to the air hockey table he stated, pretty boldly, that he was going to beat me and wanted to bet on it. So we bet...if he won he got a kiss (ugh! more motivation for me to win) and if I won he would buy me another beer (which I was definitely going to need). I was determined to win, but started feeling more flu-like symptoms with each passing moment. We played. I won (obviously). Didn't have to kiss the weirdo (yay!). Got another beer (much needed). And then had to watch Mr. AA pout about losing to a girl. On a first date is it not customary to let the girl win anyway? This guy was super competitive. He then suggested we play something else, basketball. Okay...I informed him I hadn't played since 7th grade but was game. He was ecstatic about this information and felt that this gave him an edge. I'm telling you, this guy was super competitive! He wanted to beat me. We played once...I won 27-25. So he suggested playing again...I agreed and won again 37-23. He then suggested we play one more time for him to redeem himself...I agreed and won again 40-25. This was embarrassing for him and I told him so. He agreed.

At this point I mentioned, again, that I was not feeling well and I was going to go home. He walked me out to my car and on the way said "Did you say you're not feeling well because you knew I was going to kiss you?" What?! There are so many things wrong with that question that I don't even know where to start! First, disgusting...why would he think I had any desire to have him kiss me?! Why can't he read body language? Second, I'm really not feeling well. Third, gross...why would he think I had any desire to have him kiss me?! I said "No. I'm really sick." Cue the awkward hug, we said goodbye and I left. Finally, I can go home, wash the awfulness of this date off of me and go to bed. Goodnight!