Following my last date, as amazing as it was, it was back to the drawing board. I logged onto the dating website and began to go through the many unread emails that filled my inbox. I did not read any that piqued my interest enough to reply but I did have a good laugh...so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time!
But I did realize that the online dating world just wasn't working out for me. After hundreds of emails and a few unsuccessful (to say the least) dates I realized that I was attempting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with but I was looking in the wrong place. The harsh reality is that most of these guys are online for a reason (there are the exceptions of course), but a majority are socially awkward, unattractive and carrying around some serious baggage (hello AA!). When I sat down and thought about what I was doing I realized that in my effort to really get to know people, to expand my options, and to not base my view of their potential on their attractiveness, all I ended up doing was compromising things that I want in a partner. Don't get me wrong...I did not compromise any major things and I never would. I have certain things that I look for in a guy that are non-negotiable (these are the deal breakers), some must have characteristics and I have other things I look for that are nice to have but aren't really necessary. An example of something that would be nice to have is that I prefer men with dark hair and hazel or green eyes; if I met a man with these qualities I would be in heaven and it would definitely increase my attraction to him but at the end of the day lack of those specific features are not deal breakers for me, but they would still be nice to have!
I firmly believe that everyone should have 2 lists of some sort, either formally or informally, one of deal breakers and another of qualities that are "must haves". I don't suggest you go crazy with these lists...if you have 100 qualities on your list and you're not willing to compromise on any of them then you are going to be alone for a very long time! My suggestion is always 5 deal breakers and perhaps 10 other qualities that you would like someone to have, your "must have" (again that number is flexible and is only a guideline). In determining what your deal breakers are I always suggest asking yourself: What are the things that you simply will not accept or tolerate in your relationship?
After asking around (both men & women) and taking my own lists into account, here are the most commonly occurring deal breakers:
1) Cheating
Cheating is such a slap in the face to you, to your trust, to whatever you've built in your relationship, and to the other parties integrity. The second they've cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. People will either cheat or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated, you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the relationship deal breaker that everyone I asked named and if it occurs in your relationship you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.
2) Abuse/Inability to Manage Anger
This includes any and all types of abuse, from the obvious to the lesser known/less obvious. If your significant other lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to walk away and don't look back. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing the person you're with respect every day by valuing them as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is able to fly off the handle (either physically or psychologically) and really try to hurt you, they are unhinged you need to let them go.
3) Substance Abuse
A problem with drugs or alcohol is a very big deal. When drugs or alcohol are involved priorities shift and everything (including your relationship) takes a back seat to feeding that addiction. If you suddenly discover that your significant other has a substance abuse problem it's a deal breaker. The only exception to this is if you helped to contribute to that problem or it developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create.
4) Lying
This is a tough one. Let's say you've just caught your significant other in a relatively small lie, maybe he/she didn't go to the grocery store like they said they did and instead went for a drink with a friend. Maybe your significant other broke your date because they weren't feeling well, but later you find out that they went to the movies. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship--well, that's a nice way to think about it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If someone's willing to lie about things of minor importance, then they're probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Once trust is betrayed it's hard to restore and, lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker.
5) Rude Behavior
Sometimes the little things such as a simple "please" and "thank you" make all the difference. In a relationship, in addition to mutual respect for each other it is important to know that the person you are with is capable and willing to be kind and respectful to others. Maybe on your first date their rude to the waitress and you think "no big deal", but those things start to add up and that rude behavior may carry over onto you one day.
There are many other deal breakers but they are not universal and are person specific. Some examples are poor hygiene, laziness and pessimism. Must-haves are also pretty universal, across both men and women, but their importance varies between the sexes, for example men place attractiveness higher on their list of must-haves than women do. Here are the common must-haves:
1) Sense of humor
2) Affectionate
3) Chemistry
4) Good communication
5) Loyalty
6) Honest
7) Stong character
8) Financially responsible
9) Passionate
10) Patient
11) Attractive
12) Ambitious
I took this time to remind myself of what I am looking for and what is essential in a relationship for me. I also deactivated my online dating accounts and decided it was time to move my dating back into the real world. It's time to find someone that has the characteristics and traits that I am looking for in real life, not just on their online dating profile.
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