The Danger in Labels....

I recently began spending time with someone, and I like to think it's kind of special. It was one of those situations where there's physical attraction intially but you only kind of know them, without really knowing them, and as soon as you start getting to know them better you see them in an entirely different way. Things have been going really, really well. I enjoy spending time with him and love the conversations that we have. I don't know where it's going yet but I'm enjoying where it's at right now and trying not to worry about the future.

We have a lot of conversations about a variety of topics and one that was had recently got me thinking about relationships and labels people use for them. It also became glaringly clear that he and I have very different views and definitions of what those labels mean. I also became aware of the weight that those labels carry, they have a lot of meaning that society has assigned to them and that's hard to ignore. Specifically, I have found the definition of "dating" to be quite confusing. Particularly because a lot of men misinterpret a woman's desire for a relationship with a woman's desire for a relationship with them specifically, this is not always the case. Yes, I want a relationship (who doesn't) and I date to find out if I want a relationship with you, not as a means to trick you into one. I need an evaluation period just as much as you do.  

Now, there may be many definitions and opinions on this subject but in my opinion, a date refers to an activity that two people share with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. Therefore, two people who are "dating", have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another that they are interested in more than just a friendship. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over a period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing. You don't decide whether you see a future with someone before you date them, you date them to figure that out.

But, I seemed to be speaking a foreign language to him. Non capisco. I began to wonder if perhaps I didn't understand the definition of dating. Maybe it had changed and I had missed the memo. So, I did what anyone would do...I looked it up on Wikipedia.

"Dating is a form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse."

Phew. Wikipedia and I were in agreement. Dating is something you do before you enter into a relationship. It includes activities, not just text messages. It is a period of evaluation. I thought this was the definition understood by men and women everywhere. But obviously I was wrong.

This made me think it’s possible that all singles are floating around out there with different definitions of “dating.” For everyone's sake, I think we need to come up with an agreed upon definition. It seems hazardous to proceed without one. I'm going to attempt to set some guidelines here to avoid further confusion.

* Booty Call: Sex is the primary motivator. You don't go out in public together and you're maybe not even friends.

* Friends with benefits: Being friends is the primary motivator, but you have sex as well if you're both single. You hang out as friends without it being romantic.

* Dating (casually): More traditional dating. Not exclusive and does not imply a commitment, you can still date other people. You communicate frequently but there is not an assumption of invites to parties or being available on 'date' nights (friday/saturday).

* Dating (exclusively): Same as above but sexually exclusive (probably for safety reasons).

* Seeing someone: Dating someone exclusively (but without an official commitment) because you see them as having potential for more and don't want to screw it up and/or other people are no longer interesting to you. Has probably met your friends but they don't assume you'll bring the person to group events. You couldn't assume you were allowed to stay the night.

* Having a boyfriend or girlfriend: Dating someone exclusively with a commitment to someone that you're not looking for other people. You like them enough that you're not interested in seeing other people. Probably see them with a frequency of once or twice a week. Your friends know them and assume you will bring them to group events/parties etc. You could probably assume you are allowed to stay the night.

* A serious relationship: You see each other often. You can show up at any time without needing permission and you probably spend most nights together anyway. You assume that you will go on trips together and you probably have a key to their place.

While trying to figure out what "dating" actually is and how it's defined I realized the most important thing of all and I think Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she said "Maybe some labels are best left in a closet." Her statement was in reference to people and the labels that we give ourselves and others, I want to go a little further and include the labels that we give relationships. Maybe when we label relationships-talking, seeing each other, casually dating, dating exclusively, etc. - we forget to look past the label to the actual relationship that's happening. If you are happy with someone, does it really matter what you call it? Does the label define how happy you are? After thinking about it I decided that the label isn't that important to me, I'm happy and that's the most important part.

Making a list & checking it twice....

Following my last date, as amazing as it was, it was back to the drawing board. I logged onto the dating website and began to go through the many unread emails that filled my inbox. I did not read any that piqued my interest enough to reply but I did have a good laugh...so I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time!


But I did realize that the online dating world just wasn't working out for me. After hundreds of emails and a few unsuccessful (to say the least) dates I realized that I was attempting to find someone to spend the rest of my life with but I was looking in the wrong place. The harsh reality is that most of these guys are online for a reason (there are the exceptions of course), but a majority are socially awkward, unattractive and carrying around some serious baggage (hello AA!). When I sat down and thought about what I was doing I realized that in my effort to really get to know people, to expand my options, and to not base my view of their potential on their attractiveness, all I ended up doing was compromising things that I want in a partner. Don't get me wrong...I did not compromise any major things and I never would. I have certain things that I look for in a guy that are non-negotiable (these are the deal breakers), some must have characteristics and I have other things I look for that are nice to have but aren't really necessary. An example of something that would be nice to have is that I prefer men with dark hair and hazel or green eyes; if I met a man with these qualities I would be in heaven and it would definitely increase my attraction to him but at the end of the day lack of those specific features are not deal breakers for me, but they would still be nice to have!


I firmly believe that everyone should have 2 lists of some sort, either formally or informally, one of deal breakers and another of qualities that are "must haves". I don't suggest you go crazy with these lists...if you have 100 qualities on your list and you're not willing to compromise on any of them then you are going to be alone for a very long time! My suggestion is always 5 deal breakers and perhaps 10 other qualities that you would like someone to have, your "must have" (again that number is flexible and is only a guideline). In determining what your deal breakers are I always suggest asking yourself: What are the things that you simply will not accept or tolerate in your relationship?


After asking around (both men & women) and taking my own lists into account, here are the most commonly occurring deal breakers:


1) Cheating
Cheating is such a slap in the face to you, to your trust, to whatever you've built in your relationship, and to the other parties integrity. The second they've cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. People will either cheat or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're boyfriend or girlfriend has cheated, you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the relationship deal breaker that everyone I asked named and if it occurs in your relationship you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.


2) Abuse/Inability to Manage Anger
This includes any and all types of abuse, from the obvious to the lesser known/less obvious. If your significant other lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to walk away and don't look back. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing the person you're with respect every day by valuing them as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If your girlfriend or boyfriend is able to fly off the handle (either physically or psychologically) and really try to hurt you, they are unhinged you need to let them go.


3) Substance Abuse
A problem with drugs or alcohol is a very big deal. When drugs or alcohol are involved priorities shift and everything (including your relationship) takes a back seat to feeding that addiction. If you suddenly discover that your significant other has a substance abuse problem it's a deal breaker. The only exception to this is if you helped to contribute to that problem or it developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create.


4) Lying
This is a tough one. Let's say you've just caught your significant other in a relatively small lie, maybe he/she didn't go to the grocery store like they said they did and instead went for a drink with a friend. Maybe your significant other broke your date because they weren't feeling well, but later you find out that they went to the movies. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship--well, that's a nice way to think about it. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If someone's willing to lie about things of minor importance, then they're probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Once trust is betrayed it's hard to restore and, lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker.


5) Rude Behavior
Sometimes the little things such as a simple "please" and "thank you" make all the difference. In a relationship, in addition to mutual respect for each other it is important to know that the person you are with is capable and willing to be kind and respectful to others. Maybe on your first date their rude to the waitress and you think "no big deal", but those things start to add up and that rude behavior may carry over onto you one day.

There are many other deal breakers but they are not universal and are person specific. Some examples are poor hygiene, laziness and pessimism. Must-haves are also pretty universal, across both men and women, but their importance varies between the sexes, for example men place attractiveness higher on their list of must-haves than women do. Here are the common must-haves:

1) Sense of humor
2) Affectionate
3) Chemistry
4) Good communication
5) Loyalty
6) Honest
7) Stong character
8) Financially responsible
9) Passionate
10) Patient
11) Attractive
12) Ambitious

I took this time to remind myself of what I am looking for and what is essential in a relationship for me. I also deactivated my online dating accounts and decided it was time to move my dating back into the real world. It's time to find someone that has the characteristics and traits that I am looking for in real life, not just on their online dating profile.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse....

Following the worst date ever I immediately went home and went to bed...I was feeling sick remember? The following day I was still not feeling well but managed to make it through the day at work. I was so looking forward to coming home, relaxing and watching mindless television until I passed out. The last thing on my mind was the winner that I went out with the night before...in fact, I had planned to forget all about him as soon as humanly possible. Well...then he texted me. Yeah, you heard that right! He obviously couldn't take a hint, was bad at reading body language and chose to ignore the fact that I had not contacted him at all since our lovely evening. Let me recap our text conversation that followed (I saved the texts just for this purpose!)

Him: So not even a thxs for the drink? K well good luck out there!
Me: I said thank you last night. But, wow, thanks. I have the flu remember.
Him: Well I haven't even gotten a text message from u what was I supposed to think?
Me: Maybe think that it's been 1 day! I'm sick and still had to work today. Texting you wasn't exactly at the top of my priority list.
Him: I was like aight no text dang I got dissed
Him: Okay well texting me back to say you had a good time shouldn't have been that difficult to do right?
Him: I hope ya feel better sorry if i'm coming off like a dick but I just thought u weren't feeling me so I wanted to say good luck to ya that's all...
Me: Thanks. You are coming off like a dick and I am not feeling you. I've been sick and in bed all day.
Him: How bout some make up sex j/k of course...look get better and I apologize for being all dickish let me make it up to ya when u get better...dinner on me?
Me: I'm not interested but thanks.
Him: So lame
Him: Can't believe what a drama queen u are thxs for saving me the trouble of finding out later!
Him: Btw next time a dude sends u a text after a date u might just wanna respond with a thxs me too...not that hard right?!
Me: I don't need dating advice but thanks. I will respond that way when it's true. Good luck.
Him: Take care and good luck!
*Then he called me 3 times! All of which I promptly ignored*
Him: I hate to make enemies just called to smooth things over

Luckily that was the last I heard from him. A few things I want to point out here...1) After 1 date no one owes anyone anything...you can not call and it shouldn't be a big deal (this is not okay after more than 2 dates though). If anyone makes a big deal of this it's usually the girl. No need to text someone angrily because they didn't feel how you did after one brief meeting. 2) Make up sex? Really?! In what universe is that funny at all? 3) I love that I apparently was the one being a "drama queen" and 4) There's a diagnosis for people like this...he's not just an alcoholic, he has other mental health issues as well. Clearly he's going to make some lucky girl very un-happy one day!

Now, I've had guys pull a disappearing act before or have had the mature conversation that it just wasn't going to work out...but never until that night have I had a guy yell at me because I wasn't interested in him. Is this a new phenomenon? Are guys so used to girls being desperate for any human touch that they don't know how to handle rejection anymore?

Quite possibly the Worst Date Ever....

The online dating site was going nowhere fast, but as I waded through the emails from weirdos I took the time to respond to a few guys that seemed somewhat normal. By "somewhat normal" I don't mean amazing. I don't mean they blew me away with their wit and winning personality. I mean they didn't look like stoners, were over the age of 25, and seemed to possess at least some career aspirations. I responded in part to prove to myself that I am not a shallow human being, and while looks and physical attraction matters, it's not the only thing that matters...I was branching out and basing my interest on personality and common interests! I also responded to give the somewhat decent/normal guys a chance...don't get me wrong, some of them had a better chance at being drafted onto a Major League Baseball team despite their never having held a bat....but the other ones I at least replied to and waited to see what would happen. I prepared to be unimpressed, but still was able to pat myself on the back for giving the underdog a chance!

I ended up sending a couple emails back-and-forth with a guy that lived nearby. He was 33 years old (finally, someone older!), he had 2 kids of his own (more understanding to my single mom situation), and liked doing outdoor activities. I decided to give him a chance so when he asked me to meet him at Dave & Buster's for games and drinks I agreed...somewhat hesitantly as I wasn't super impressed by him yet, but I was excited to whoop him in Skeeball! Seriously, I'm pretty good.

I arrived at Dave & Buster's after work one night, I should mention as I left work I noticed that my throat started hurting and I felt like I was coming down with something. But I was prompt and received a call just as I was walking inside from my date saying that he was running late and would be there in about 15 minutes...so I told him he could find me at the bar. I then walked directly to the bar, found a seat, ordered a beer, and watched in hopes that the Red Sox would lose the current game. (Go Angels!) He arrived about 20 minutes later, sat down next to me, ordered water and some appetizers, and just kind of stared at me awkwardly for a minute. When I looked over he said "Is this a date or what?" Wow! What a charmer! I replied "You were late and I'd like to see the end of this game. You made me wait...so you can wait." He didn't take this well but we continued to sit there. He offered me another beer and when I realized he was just drinking water I pointed out the obvious and said "Didn't you suggest coming here to get a drink?", upon which I was informed that he was actually a recovering alcoholic and had just finished 12 months in AA. Huh?! I needed a stronger drink...but I settled for a larger beer; a much larger beer! We sat and chatted for a little bit until I started feeling a little more sick and mentioned this out loud...to which he said "Let's go play some air hockey!" Ummmm....okay. As we walked over to the air hockey table he stated, pretty boldly, that he was going to beat me and wanted to bet on it. So we bet...if he won he got a kiss (ugh! more motivation for me to win) and if I won he would buy me another beer (which I was definitely going to need). I was determined to win, but started feeling more flu-like symptoms with each passing moment. We played. I won (obviously). Didn't have to kiss the weirdo (yay!). Got another beer (much needed). And then had to watch Mr. AA pout about losing to a girl. On a first date is it not customary to let the girl win anyway? This guy was super competitive. He then suggested we play something else, basketball. Okay...I informed him I hadn't played since 7th grade but was game. He was ecstatic about this information and felt that this gave him an edge. I'm telling you, this guy was super competitive! He wanted to beat me. We played once...I won 27-25. So he suggested playing again...I agreed and won again 37-23. He then suggested we play one more time for him to redeem himself...I agreed and won again 40-25. This was embarrassing for him and I told him so. He agreed.

At this point I mentioned, again, that I was not feeling well and I was going to go home. He walked me out to my car and on the way said "Did you say you're not feeling well because you knew I was going to kiss you?" What?! There are so many things wrong with that question that I don't even know where to start! First, disgusting...why would he think I had any desire to have him kiss me?! Why can't he read body language? Second, I'm really not feeling well. Third, gross...why would he think I had any desire to have him kiss me?! I said "No. I'm really sick." Cue the awkward hug, we said goodbye and I left. Finally, I can go home, wash the awfulness of this date off of me and go to bed. Goodnight!

Disappearing Act...

I recently had the pleasure of dating a guy who appeared to have his life together, who appeared to be mature, who appeared to know what he wanted out of life and who appeared to know where he was headed...appearances can be deceiving. This guy, as it turns out, was actually a boy masquerading as a grown man, pretty convincingly I might add! Up until the point that he just fell off the face of the earth, a behavior I refer to as the "disappearing act".

You may be asking yourself...what happened to Mr. Wonderful? Honestly, I am still asking myself the exact same thing! Things were going great. Things were going really, really great. We seemed to click, we got along well, we were making plans, we were seeing each other frequently and we were talking daily. Then one day he just disappeared.

Based on this act of bad behavior I would assume this guy is functioning at a 16, maybe 17 year old level. You can talk until you're blue in the face about how mature you are, how respectful you are, how considerate you are....but talk is cheap and pulling the disappearing act on a girl that you've been dating for a month sends the message that not only are you not mature, you are also not capable of respectful nor considerate behavior. It also sends the message that she meant nothing to you...that she meant so little to you that you couldn't even tell her that you were no longer interested. The truth hurts so this isn't always easy to do...but you know what hurts worse? Not knowing. Wondering what happened. Wondering what went wrong. Which often leads to overanalysis, self-doubt, a feeling of insecurity and worst of all, a lack of closure. Girls like closure!

Now, I was unaware that this practice was still in existence and, quite frankly, shocked that people still find it acceptable to behave this way. I think if you are old enough to date, then you are old enough to tell someone "I'm not interested"...it's really that simple. Pulling the disappearing act is rude, immature, disrespectful and it's really just bad behavior. Why would anyone think that this was acceptable?!

A Long Story.....

Since I don't want to waste anymore time on Mr. Wonderful than I already have, I'm going to sum up what went down....

He wore the same size jeans as me. (this is not a good thing)

He wanted things to be easy. (relationships are not easy. This is a fact)

He was high maintenance. (or as he would say "so Orange County")

There were no sparks! (not a good sign)

He pulled a disappearing act. (this is just bad behavior)

*Read in between the lines and I'm sure you can figure out how Mr. Wonderful turned into Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. Oh well...better luck next time!

Mr. Wonderful...

Let's go back in time a few weeks....I had decided that it was time to find myself a little frog to kiss in hopes that he would turn out to be my Prince Charming. Ridiculously optimistic and undeniably hopeful? Of course! But what else would you expect from me?!

It all started with an innocent "wink" and an email - yes, I'm talking about the guy that caught my eye early on! We started emailing back and forth immediately, which quickly progressed into the exchange of phone numbers (oh my!), texting back and forth over the next couple of weeks, and eventually our First Date (how exciting!). Based on our rapid texting before the big date I was expecting things to go well since it appeared that we had a lot in common, including our over-the-top sarcasm and general good sense. I, of course, assumed that we would get along great, and was extremely optimistic about our meeting....but I still had my guard up because this guy seemed a little too good to be true. I met Mr. Wonderful at a coffee shop and we immediately clicked...come to think of it, we never did have any coffee! We chatted for awhile before deciding to go and get something to eat and extend the date awhile longer...I was a fan of this idea immediately! The entire night seemed to go by in what seemed like minutes and the next thing you know I needed to get home to relieve the babysitter, so we said goodbye and agreed to talk soon.

Honestly, it was one of the better First Dates that I've ever had...no awkwardness, no weirdness. It just felt very comfortable and natural right away. I think I could get used to this :)

What did I get myself into....?

The online dating world is slightly intense and absolutely ridiculous! Here's a little taste of what I have been receiving in my inbox on a daily basis.....

"good morning my name is moe i am 32 years old i was wondering if you like to chat with me" Please note the awful grammar and, yes, this was written exactly as I've put it here....all in one sentence! I have standards people...a good grasp of the english language is one of them! So, no thanks. Delete.

"Hi, how are you? Nice pics =) Ever chat online?" Simple. To the point. Seemingly harmless...right? Wrong! I'm surprised this guy even knows how to use a computer, let alone chat online...considering he's 62 years old! Are you kidding?! No thank you. Couldn't delete that one fast enough!

"Hello....
I noticed we have lots in common
Can I interest you in a:
Tall
Intelligent
Attractive
Diverse
Capable
Creative
Passionate
Romantic
Athletic
Successful
Single
.... Blonde. :)
I have an outgoing personality with a witty/playful sense of humor... Looking forward to your reply" This guy got points for creativity and making a list...if you didn't know this about me, I LOVE lists!! Unfortunately, this guy did not have a picture on his profile..which usually means one thing...you're unattractive. No picture = No reply from me. Harsh? Maybe, but oh well. Moving on. Delete.

"My name is L*!# and I would like to get to know each other.....You have a great smile :)" Simple. Sincere. Boring. Aaaaand, tell me something I don't know! Do you have any idea how many emails I get in any single day telling me I have a "great smile" or how "beautiful" I am?! I get it..I'm a pretty cute girl! What else you got? Step up your game boys. Delete.

"Hello there. Hows u doing, Would u like to talk to me!! Cheers" Let me think about this...a 42 year old, 5'5" man who, according to his profile, is "not sure" if he ever wants children and has "little to offer" a woman? This is tough. Oh...and did you notice the poor grammar in the email? Yeah. Thanks, but no thanks. Delete.

"hello there =)" All this says to me is that you don't know how to start a conversation. This guy clearly thought he would email me this and I would be so excited to get an email from a guy that I would immediately respond and start the conversation for him. Well...he was mistaken. Maybe if this email wasn't one of many I might have, maybe if I was desperate I might have, maybe if I was extremely lonely I might have, but that is not the case. Sorry guy that couldn't put in any more effort than a "hello there"...Delete.

"I winked at you, but you didnt wink back. Kinda hurt my feelings. Haha. JK. You seem like you really have a great personality. We have a lot of things in common, especially being active and enjoying outdoors activities. Were you able to get outside this weekend and enjoy the great weather? Sounds like your job is pretty rewarding. Im sure it is pretty tough too though. Hope to hear from you soon and find out more about you! ;)" Okay. So here's one I did eventually respond to...after much debate. He seemed decent enough. But his next email was not so good as it outlined every type of food that he dislikes...it was quite the list! Now, I LOVE food! As soon as I saw his email that stated that he did not like sushi, fondue (what?!), pie, cake, ice cream, hot sauce, or salsa...I deleted his email immediately, never responded and never even felt bad about it. Although, I was curious if he does not like hot sauce what he puts in his bloody mary's? I never asked...since I was afraid he would say he doesn't like bloody mary's either. I don't think I could've dealt with that answer...I already thought his taste in food was disturbed at best, I didn't want to also think he was a complete freak! Bottom line...I like food! If you're not even willing to try new foods then this will never work out.

I feel as though I might be a little harsh, not to mention judgemental, in my response to these guys and my lightning fast reflex to delete them from my inbox. But I also feel as though I can be picky. Sorry that I'm not sorry. 

Plus, there is still that one guy who's email caught my eye early on! ;)

Dating Insanity....

After mutliple failed romances I've come to the realization that I keep dating the same guy. Sure, they are technically different guys, or so I foolishly think, until the inevitable day arrives that I realize that, no, they are all essentially unavailable and not ready for relationships. So, I've decided that it's time to branch out and meet men in a different way. Thus far, my tried and true methods of meeting a quality guy have failed, and failed miserably. Maybe it's where and how I'm meeting them that inevitably results in another failed relationship? Afterall, the definition of dating insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different relationship results. I need to start doing things differently if I am going to get different results!

After coming to this realization...I signed up for a popular online dating site and got to work! I had high hopes that this would be a fabulous way to meet a quality guy that was looking for a relationship. I anticipated that instead of meeting a man that was only interested in me for a physical relationship or a trophy on his arm, that I would meet a man that was actually interested in me. Well, shortly after signing up I was bombarded with emails...it was overwhelming and I didn't know where to start. What had I gotten myself into?! So I did what anyone else would do....opened a bottle of wine and started reading through emails from my potential suitors. A large majority of the emails that I got in the first 24 hours got deleted immediately without as much as a second thought. (Now, I understand that this may sound shallow and superficial, but when you get over 50 emails in 24 hours you are allowed to be picky!) But some of the emails I didn't even read, I'll be the first to admit that I looked at the picture and made my decision based solely on that for at least half of them. Others were deleted based on age (too old or too young specifically), location (why contact me when you live in Florida?!), and others simply because I was bored reading their email and/or profile.

Suprisingly, in the overwhelming response that I received on that first day there was one single email that caught my eye, upon reading his profile and looking at pictures (it's no secret that physical attraction is important too!) I decided to respond. I had no idea what would come of this but I was excited to find out! Hopefully this would mean that I wouldn't need to keep kissing frogs to find my prince charming...maybe just this one! ;)

Don't Make Promises....

So, it's been a little while since I provided an update of my dating life and I am fully aware that most of you were rooting for the Cute Boy from the wedding. Let's be honest...we all knew how that was going to turn out. Who do you think was the inspiration for the "unavailable man" blog?

Now, you're all probably wondering what happened with the Cute Boy. He reappeared in my life, said all of the things that I needed to hear and made promises (that it turns out he couldn't keep). In case you are unaware, one of my biggest pet peeves is people that make promises that they can't keep. Just don't make the promise! It's that easy. After his grand re-entrance (apology and all) we talked for a little over a month without seeing each other at all, yes it was kind of long distance, but not far enough away to justify no contact. This in itself was frustrating for me, and as much as I wanted to be understanding, I finally reached a point where this was no longer acceptable. So...what did I decide to do? I began to push him for an explanation! What else would I have done?! I am fully aware of how much men (and people in general) do not like to be pushed or questioned, or anything resembling either of those. But I didn't care, I felt that I deserved an explanation for why he had not made a reasonable effort to see me in over 5 weeks, and why, as the weeks went on he began to get distant again (horrible multi-tasker that he is). Finally, we had dinner and he shared with me that not only did he recently get laid off, but he was living at home (due to his lack of income this was his only option). All of this basically meant that he was absolutely in no place to have a relationship, with me or anyone else. Which makes sense to me. If you're pushing 30, you live at home with your parents, and you are unemployed, then you need to figure some shit out before you commit to be with someone. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. You need to be selfish in this situation and worry about yourself. I, however, am not in that place. I am in the exact opposite place.

Fast forward a bit and currently the Cute Boy and I are friends, we probably always will be and I am okay with that. This is uncharted territory for us. But he is not able nor capable of giving me what I want and I do not feel that I should have to wait for him to sort his shit out. He was holding me hostage in this weird sort of limbo where I couldn't be with him but I couldn't get over him. He was occupying a space in my life that did not allow me to move on. He then finally said the one thing that I had been needing him to say all along "I can't give you what you want right now and it's not fair to you". It wasn't fair to me. I deserved better than that, more than that, I deserved to be with someone that wanted to give me what I wanted and who was capable of it. With that statement he set me free, and allowed me to move on.

So, it's back to the pond to kiss a few more frogs ;)

Next Please!

I realize that you all are probably wondering what happened with the motorcycle guy (aka the attorney)...things seemed like they were going fantastically right?! Well, it turns out that things are not always as they seem, and this is a great example of that. That, and things got really complicated when a certain someone reappeared in my life and turned it upside down again.
On a side note, someone recently mentioned to me that these stories can get pretty confusing for them since I refer to these guys in different descriptions on here than I do in real life...so let me clarify for everyone. The motorcycle guy is the Attorney (and will from now on be referred to as the attorney) and Cute Boy from the wedding is the Firefighter (but I'm still going to refer to him as the Cute Boy)!
Back to the attorney...things were going well, we had hung out a few times and things were going slowly, which is great and exactly what he talked about. Then a certain Cute Boy began texting me again, which at first I thought of merely as a great distraction that was allowing me to take things slowly with the attorney, but began to progress into more than a simple distraction. Why can't I seem to stay away from this boy?! I had a great guy in front of me that wanted to take things slowly in a gradual progression toward a serious relationship, he has a successful career, he is financially independent, he is ready to get married and have a family when he meets the right girl...and yet I find myself constantly drawn back to the Cute Boy that can't seem to offer me those same things, but that I just have an amazing feeling about. So, once I started texting with the Cute Boy again my communcation drastically decreased to the attorney and since I am not one to just disappear on someone after I've had a few dates with them, I decided I needed to let him know what was going on (kind of). We then had the awkward conversation about how he is a perfectly nice guy but he's just not the guy for me, there's not a lot of physical chemistry, blah blah blah, and decided to just be friends. It all ended on a good note and in the end we are still friends! He is an attorney after all, and who couldn't use a little legal advice every now and then ;) 

The Elusive Unavailable Man...

After my latest romance with the motorcycle guy fizzled (more on that another day) and a Cute Boy from the past reappeared in my life, I began to wonder why I seemed to continue to engage in a pattern of dating unavailable men. Why was my love life on the fast track to nowhere? I realized that these men do not initially appear unavailable, in fact, they usually do all of the amazing things that you want any guy to do that you first start dating. They sometimes even jump in, head first, to this new relationship that you’ve started and you feel completely and totally adored…only for them to hit the brakes shortly thereafter by either completely ceasing communication with you (therefore breaking up with you in an immature manner) or behaving in such an inconsistent manner that it would make any sane person want to bang their head against a wall. While these men may appear completely available and eager, they are not available, not even a little bit. These men are emotionally unavailable, and as long as you continue to partake in their inconsistent behavior (and therefore encourage it) you will be indefinitely thrown into a cycle of drama and uncertainty. I have spent countless hours and sacrificed lots of sleep trying to determine what makes Mr. Unavailable seem so available at first, which is very deceiving, and then quite unavailable after a little while. He goes from hot one second to cold the next, and then back again. It’s a vicious cycle! Here's what I have come up with (aka my hypothesis):

He loves the thrill of the chase. These men have limited attention spans. He is quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as he feels like he doesn’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shine and sparkle. There is no incentive for him to continue to throw all of his energy at you.

He is too cowardly to admit that he is not ready for a relationship. Instead he just withdraws and acts distant, then puts in the minimal effort when you kick up a fuss about his poor behavior…or he needs some sex or attention.

He likes toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, he gets a kick out of reeling you in, wining and dining you…only for him to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.

He can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask him to step up to the plate and be with you properly and he flakes out and starts to protest how he’s not ready. So you walk away and he keeps calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a yo-yo girl.

He is very focused on short term benefits. He gets sex and attention without looking toward the future and how he is screwing with your mind. He may also fake a future to get what he wants in the short term...you know this guy, the guy that talks about the future from the beginning, only there is no future there's just the sex you're going to give him now. He gets what he wants while giving you what you want...the dream of a future with someone. 

He is undecided about you but likes keeping you off the market. He is like a dog in a manger…he is not sure if he wants you but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you so he hogs up your life and keeps you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of him as your only option. 

And occasionally, he is so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of him...But this is a rarity and at the end of the day his behavior is still counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundation of a relationship!

Because this man appears available and appears able to give you everything you want, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them act differently when they eventually start to act differently (which they will). When he distances himself you can’t acknowledge what that means and instead focus on the fact that he was previously giving you all of the attention and adoration that you had yearned for. When you call him on his poor behavior he will either rapidly improve or tell you to stop being so needy, if you stick around long enough he will eventually get the message that he can do what he likes with and around you because you are still there, putting up with his poor behavior again and again. Inevitably, at that point you are going to get less than stellar behavior from him, and that will be the only consistent thing in your relationship.

The survival of any relationship is dependent on consistencies. Do not make the mistake of translating ‘he is hot and then cold’ into drama, or worse, something enjoyable. Men who are genuinely interested in you show you that they are on a consistent basis. Do not be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth. Do not be with a man that cannot give you what you want, regardless of the reason. 

The Dating Game...

The following day (after the first date with motorcycle boy) I actually had plans...until every single one of them was cancelled for one reason or another, and I found myself completely available. I decided this was a good time to call my date from the previous night and let him know, in a casual way, that I was free to meet up later. Which he eagerly agreed to and we made plans to get pizza & beer while watching the game that was on that night. Awesome! I was super excited about seeing him again (which unfortunately made the rest of the day seem longer than usual). He showed up later that night at my apartment, we went out for a bit, returned to my home, and sat talking for HOURS before calling it a night way past my bedtime. We even talked about all the stuff you're not supposed to talk about on a first (or second) date and neither of us were phased by it, we actually were able to joke about the inappropriateness of it. It was perfect! Before he left that night we briefly discussed our plans for the next day as well, and agreed that should I have time we could get together then as well. Oh my! 3 days in a row...this was getting crazy! 

The next day I had plans until late afternoon and resisted calling or texting this new guy until a couple hours before I would be free. I let him know that I would be back in the City later and could meet him somewhere for a bit before I needed to get back home. We agreed to meet downtown and then head back to his neighborhood for a bite to eat around five. The pick up from downtown was a little chaotic as both of our phones lost service (thanks Verizon!) but it all worked out and when I saw him, he appeared cuter than I had remembered him being the past 2 days. Which was not a bad thing! We walked, we ate, we talked, we kissed, and then he took me home while we agreed to see each other again. :) 

After our whirlwind of a weekend (3 dates in 3 days!), I was feeling excited and optimistic about things with this guy. He appeared ready for a relationship, which was a welcomed change from the Cute Boy at the wedding who was not ready for that, and he was established in a successful career already. No multi-tasking necessary here! He does, however, have a career that demands 99% of his attention Monday through Friday (and some weekends); so I was prepared to not see him during the work week and did not expect him to text or call during the day either. So imagine my surprise when I got a text from him Monday morning at work saying that he would like to take me out for my birthday (that was the following week)! After some discussion we decided to go out the following weekend, but definitely to see each other before then! If that was shocking, I was completely unprepared the following day when he suggested we go out mid-week for dinner and perhaps a slumber party. An innocent slumber party! Get your minds out of the gutter! He suggested that I could stay at his place since we were planning to have drinks and could go to work from there in the morning, he even offered to sleep on the couch if this was the case. I was impressed by his forethought and his suggestion to go out despite his busy work week. Of course I said yes and looked forward to seeing him again. 

Our mid-week date night arrived, we met at his apartment, walked around the neighborhood (literally, we went in a giant circle) and we had delicious dinner that solidified that he was a guy I could really date. For one....Sushi? Yes, please! Second, we sat down and I was so hungry that I couldn't decided what I wanted...so he ordered for us! I know this is old-fashioned, but I love it, especially if he orders things that I actually like. When we ordered beer he also made a point to order something different from me just in case I changed my mind once it got there! Wow...this guy is good!

After dinner we walked back to his place and talked some more while sipping yummy wine, until it was bedtime. I decided to stay the night for, what ended up being, a fairly innocent slumber party. In the morning I woke up to him getting ready for and leaving for work...and trusting me alone in his apartment after only 4 dates. Wow...I must be good! After getting ready for work and leaving I received a phone call from him checking to see that I made it out okay and made it to work (i.e. I hadn't burnt down his apartment nor robbed him). How considerate and thoughtful of him...and definitely not what I am used to. I began to appreciate this welcome and nice change from other guys that I had dated.

That weekend we chatted a few times and realized that we were both on the same page regarding relationships. Yes we were wanting to date someone with long term potential, but wanted to take things slowly in order to establish a strong foundation for that to happen. It was during those conversations that I started to realize, I did not have the slightest clue how to "take things slow"!. What does that mean?! I work really well with deadlines and schedules and established plans....casual and non-committal is SO NOT ME! But I guess if that's what taking it slow means...I'll play that game.  

I'm Still Learning How to Play Hard To Get...

After my previous attempt at a blind date, that failed miserably, I decided to try it again. I suppose that makes me a glutton for punishment in some ways, but I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Sure I would lose a few valuable hours of my life at the very least, but at least I'd probably get a free dinner, get a little tipsy, and hopefully meet a nice guy. It's like the cliche saying about kissing a lot of frogs before finding your prince...except without any actual kissing! So I set up a date with a guy who lives in the City and I crossed my fingers that another used car salesman wouldn't show up.


Date night arrived and I sat waiting at a restaurant that I had never been to...but seemed good. While waiting I realized that blind dates are so awkward...I was sitting there waiting for someone that I had never met and had only talked to on the telephone a handful of times. I had no idea what he looked like, besides a few pictures he had sent, but those easily could've been cut out of a magazine, photo-shopped, and sent over. I had never been to this restaurant, and quite frankly, never really ventured into this neighborhood in general. With all of these thoughts racing through my head, I decided I needed a drink. So I texted him to let him know that I was here, waiting, and would probably be tipsy before he arrived unless he arrived in the very near future. I then ordered a mango margarita. Once my margarita arrived I decided that the night wouldn't be a total loss...because this margarita was Delicious! 


He finally arrived, right off his motorcycle and looking a little windblown. Overall, not bad, and definitely not a used car salesman. :) Things were off to a good start! Things were a little awkward at first, which I guess should be expected to some extent on a blind date, with a few uncomfortable pauses in conversation. Which actually made me uncomfortable and nervous! Now I had officially ventured into uncharted territory...I don't get uncomfortable with silence! I don't get nervous with guys! I don't care what they think of me..I have more a "take it or leave it" attitude. 


We had good conversation, actually GREAT conversation, and since he had been to this restaurant before he made a few recommendations off the menu (without me even asking)...we ended up ordering the same thing and it was delicious! We sat and talked LONG after our dinner was done, eventually deciding to leave to go and get a drink somewhere else. We walked to a nearby bar, had a beer, talked some more, and before I even realized it half of the night had flown by in what seemed like a matter of minutes! He then walked me to my car, while asking about my weekend plans, and I agreed to call him the next day so that we could possibly get together. I was trying very hard to be non-committal and easy going about the entire situation (since I had already learned my lesson about being too eager and direct); in my head I was thinking "Yes! I would love to see you tomorrow!", what I said sounded more like "Sure I'll give you a call tomorrow once I know what I'm doing." We hugged, he kissed my cheek, and we said goodnight. 


It was hard to wait until the next day to call or text him...but I did! :)

Blind Dates are Risky for a Reason...

I recently agreed to go on a blind date with a guy that someone felt was a "good match" for me. I hesitantly agreed, but only if I had the opportunity to talk to him first and get to know him a little before having to show up at a restaurant to look for a complete stranger. I figured I should at least know some basics about this guy first...is he a serial killer? A weirdo that lives under a rock somewhere and has absolutely no social skills? Have I seen him on America's Most Wanted recently and maybe should not go out with him? You know, the basics that you would want to know before going out with anyone. So, through this mutual friend we exchanged numbers and began texting back and forth and, on occasion, emailing. I found him to be considerate and witty, even through text, which is often a hard task to accomplish! So I decided that "yes!" I would go on a date with him. Since I had determined by this point that he was not a complete lunatic and actually seemed pretty harmless (I came to this conclusion from our multiple conversations and thanks to the world wide web), I agreed to let him pick me up from my house for our date. 


*If you are a friend of mine and you are reading this...please remind me to never agree to this again! I beg you. If I am determined to have it happen in the future please feel free to slap me around a little and shake the crazy out of me! Thank you in advance.*


Date night arrived and I was pretty excited, for a couple of reasons, for one-I had not been on a date since Cute Boy from the wedding disappeared from my life and for two-this guy seemed funny and I was looking forward to a good laugh. Well....I got my good laugh, when a guy that appeared to be a used car salesman showed up at my house! I immediately knew that this guy was never going to see me naked and placed him in my mental "friend" file. I don't want to sound shallow and superficial, but part of any relationship needs to be mutual attraction and for that to occur I would need to be physically attracted to you. It was clear within 10 seconds of meeting that I was never going to sleep with this guy, and in that same 10 seconds he was deciding that he would like to sleep with me (a fact he shared later in the evening-charming!). I decided that despite the lack of physical chemistry I might as well make a friend, have a night out, and get a free dinner. So, we went to a delicious pizza place, one of my favorites! We had decided on this earlier since I had been craving pizza all week...and by "we decided" I mean I made it pretty clear that this was where I wanted to go and he agreed. Once there he let me make all of the decisions when it came to the food and wine...which I thoroughly enjoyed, being the control freak that I am! Although I must say that this is a fine line that a guy has to walk with me, because while I do enjoy being in control and making decisions, I also thoroughly enjoy a decisive man in my life, one that will make decisions for me at times and (call me old-fashioned) but I LOVE it when a guy orders for me! We had good conversation and yummy food, so the entire night was not a complete waste. At first I tried to see past the fact that there was absolutely zero physical chemistry and tried (not very hard) to convince myself that looks don't matter all that much. After the first hour I gave up on that idea and then I began to try, throughout the rest of the evening, to convey my disinterest by limiting my eye contact and through body language. But, he is clearly not a social-cue-reading-kind-of-guy, because at the end of the dinner he wanted to go and get drinks. I wanted to go home and go to bed-alone! But I went and had a couple of beers, at which point I even pulled out my phone and began texting friends in the midst of our conversation to really drive my point home. The night finally ended and he drove me home. I assumed that he had probably gotten the message that I was not interested in him romantically and that this night was a one time deal; I got home, took a shower, and went to bed to dream about a better date in my future with a (hopefully) more attractive man. 


The next day the Used Car Salesman texted me to set up a 2nd date. Ugh! He clearly did not get the message that I was trying to send! How did he miss all of the non-verbal cues?! So...I began to do what any guy would do when he's not interested in dating a girl. I took extra long to respond to his texts or just not respond at all. I was vague about any future plans and did not agree concretely on anything. But it is now a week later and he still has not gotten the message! I am now moving onto phase 2 of the "showing him I'm not interested in more than friendship" plan...although I have no idea what that includes! How do you let a guy know that you are not interested without crushing their self-esteem and hurting their feelings? Is there a way or do you just have to suck it up and do it? It's kind of like a band-aid...it will probably sting a little, but is it better to rip it off and deal with the pain later? Or is it ever better to pull it off slowly, thus easing the pain? 

Does Logic get in the way of Love?

I have recently been thrust head first into the realization that men and women really are VERY different! It's not that I wasn't previously aware of this fact, but over the last couple of weeks I have been forced to do a lot of thinking, and re-discovered that besides the obvious physiological differences, men and women think very differently about the same things. If you are able to remember this fact before being completely irrational and losing your shit with the great guy your dating...then good for you and please remember you're dating a man, not a puppet. I, unfortunately, was not able to remember this tidbit before I said a few things that I regretted within moments of them leaving my lips, in what can only be described as word vomit. It all resulted in me losing the great guy that I was dating because when I needed to be understanding and rational, I was not, and I completely forgot everything that I'd ever learned about men, dating, and relationships. 


I am going to completely generalize and stereotype the population now...I acknowledge that there are always exceptions to the rule. In general, women are incredibly emotional and men are incredibly logical. These two lie on opposite sides of the spectrum and completely oppose each other. This gets tricky during the infatuation phase of a new relationship, because women are always emotionally thinking, things are not much different for them here. But men, who are usually logically thinking, tend to be emotionally driven during this initial stage of a new relationship, but once the infatuation ends and the real relationship begins their emotions go into hiding and the logic kicks back in. And this tends to cause problems in the relationship. When men go from emotional to logical, women go from emotional to confused. This change in men feels like withdrawal to women and signals disinterest to them. Instead of understanding that this is normal and healthy, women tend to push for the emotionally driven man to come back and make a second appearance. Since this is not possible, the pushing tends to just push that man away, and at an incredibly rapid pace! 


I have also learned, and re-learned, that women are incredible multi-taskers. Men are not. Again, there are exceptions to this rule, but in general women can multi-task like nobody's business while men tend to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. Men get laser sharp focus on one area of life and it gets 100% of their attention, time, and commitment...which means, that there's no room for anything else (or anyone) to get any attention, time, or commitment. This is an incredibly hard concept for women, myself included, to understand. Being a natural multi-tasker I cannot seem to wrap my brain around the idea that someone can only focus on one thing at a time. It does not make sense! I raised a child, went to graduate school, and worked full-time simultaneously...and excelled in each and every aspect of each and every thing that I did during that time! Everything in my life gets my attention, time, and commitment...I am just an expert at the balancing act that is life and can successfully juggle things that are important to me. This includes relationships with people that are important to me. Most women are also this way and it's part of why I believe that we are the superior species.  ;)  I have come to realize, however, that you can be important to a man and he can honestly hope for and see and future with you, but if he is focused on his career right now then he cannot be the man that you deserve. He is going to be giving his career 100% of himself, and unfortunately that doesn't leave anything for him to give you. It's not that he doesn't want to be that man, it's that he can't...because he is a horrible multi-tasker! 


While I know this about men and know plenty of men exactly like this..I wonder if a man meets "the one" while he is working on his career, would he recognize it? Would he make the effort necessary to keep that woman in his life while simultaneously maintaining his professional drive? Or would he pass up the opportunity of a lifetime because he was not able to multi-task? 

How Do You Know...

After witnessing a vast majority of my friends commit to spend their lives with great guys over the last couple of years and noting the differences in each of their relationships I began to wonder about the progression of a relationship and finding "the one". It was at that moment that I decided to do a little research by informally (by which I mean the conversation occurred over cocktails!) interviewing my friends and the men in their lives to gain a little insight. Each couples dating history and engagement could not have been more different...and I was determined to find a common thread!

Couple #1 had a short lived dating history, a quick engagement, and have now been married for almost 2 years...most of which has been happily. She re-tells their dating story like it's a romantic novel where she knew within moments of meeting him that he was "the one", so despite their initial long distance she was not concerned because she knew that she was going to be with him forever. He does not recall their story in quite the same way, instead he says it took him about 6 months of dating to realize that he wanted to be with her forever and proposed shortly after. I wondered how one person could know that their partner was "the one" so quickly and the other took awhile to get there...weren't they in the same relationship?!

Couple #2 dated on and off for a few years; after 4 years together he popped the question and she said "yes!" A year later they were married and continue to live in wedded bliss today. When I asked when they knew that this was "it" I had no idea what to expect from them, I mean, neither one fully committed to the relationship until a few years in. She told me that she knew that he was someone who "would be in (her) life for a long time", she did not say that she felt that he was "the one" but instead someone that she felt would be important in her life for a long time to come after 1 month into their relationship. He told me that he did not know that she was "the one", or anyone that he even considered seriously committing to until 2 years in! I would be lying if I said I wasn't shocked and a little appalled at this admission, and quite frankly I had to admire her persistence and patience. If I dated a guy and 2 years in he realized he wanted to commit to a serious relationship with me he would have no one to make that shocking revelation to...because I would not have stuck around that long! I guess what they say is true...when you know, you know. And she, apparently, knew! For 2 people who were on 2 very different paths a few years ago I am happy to see that they have found one common road to travel through life on. :)

Couple #3 is the kind of cheesy, cliche couple that makes you want to puke most of the time that you are in their presence. I love them both, but they are absolutely ridiculous! When I first decided to find out how people felt about the idea of finding "the one", they are the couple I thought of. I thought that they were typical, but really they are quite the exception to the rule. In under 2 years they dated, got engaged, got married, and had a baby..and continue to be the most deliriously happy couple that I have ever met. Sure they have their problems...but who doesn't? They will both tell you (and they will..even if you don't ask) how they met and that they both knew that they were "meant to be" together after a few dates. I found this hard to believe..they didn't even know each others last names and yet were willing to spend the rest of their lives together? But they stand by it...and honestly, it's a little infectious. I spent so much time with them at one point that I began to live in this delusional world that made me believe that I should know almost immediately if someone I was dating was "the one", and if I did not feel that way then it obviously was not meant to be and I should not waste my time. Needless to say, I had numerous extremely short lived relationships during that time in my life!

To my dismay my search for answers ended with more questions. How do you know when you've found "the one"? Is there a such thing as "love at first sight"? And...do people realize that there's a difference in between love and infatuation? Luckily, I did realize that each relationship did have one thing in common...I found the common thread! Each person did, at one point or another, come to the realization that they had found "the one". Although, they all came to that notion at different points in their relationships and not any one of them could pinpoint exactly what it was that made them feel that way, they "just did".

 I guess I'll just have to wait and find the answer to this question myself!

A Wedding To Remember....

I usually hate attending weddings stag as it usually results in me feeling borderline depressed about my single status while everyone couples up and slow dances...so I usually end up drowning my sorrows in multiple glasses of wine, champagne, beer, or whatever else is available. So you can imagine my surprise when I attended a wedding of a good friend recently and had an absolutely FANTASTIC time! I even met a cute boy in the process (in between my glasses of wine, champagne, and beer of course!)

The wedding was gorgeous and the reception had a fabulous view of the Pacific Ocean that I appreciated while I sipped my wine prior to dinner. The night started out with yummy food and some dancing to oldies (music played to keep the older folks happy), about halfway into the reception it really kicked into high gear, and it didn't hurt that almost everyone still standing had lost all inhibitions and were having a great time! The after-party was when all of the shenanigans occurred...more drinking, game playing, water fights, and my great idea to drag the cute boy down to the beach for an adventure! The adventure entailed some innocent hand holding, a little kissing while we stood in the water on the beach at 2am, a lot of talking, some attempted tree climbing, me falling into a prickly bush, some more kissing and a frolic on the grass on the way back from the beach. It was quite the adventure...I'm somewhat surprised that no one sent a search party out for us! By the end of the night I had given my phone number to the cute boy and was excited at the possibility of having more adventures with him!

Approximately 5 minutes after leaving the after party I received a text from the cute boy saying what a great time he had...we'll see where this goes! :)

The Missing Months....in a Nutshell!

I realize that it's been quite some time that I've updated this blog...mostly because I have barely had time to go to the bathroom by myself, let alone actually sit down and write something! And I apologize in advance if this post is too negative for some and does not, unfortunately, include the wittiness that usually seeps from my pores. But to understand where I am now (which is a much better place) you have to revisit the past with me!

 The condensed summary of the last few months looks a little something like this....I found out the hard way that some people just aren't worth waiting for, that the nicest people can turn into the most awful people with absolutely zero notice, that it's hard to find a nice place in San Francisco for a reasonable price, that just because you donated sperm does not make you a parent, and that kids are extremely intuitive and see EVERYTHING!

My daughter & I are living in a small studio apartment in the City (because it was what I could afford) and it works for us, for now. My original attempt to be friends with her dad has turned out to be an unnecessary stress in my life...and, quite honestly, not worth the effort. Especially since she does not appear to be that fond of him either...I know this because when she has to go to his house for any amount of time it usually ends in tears and her begging me not to leave her there. It breaks my heart...a LOT! I am very aware of what I say around her in regards to her dad and am careful with my words...and yet she has come to the realization on her own that he's not that great. I have tried to help him with this and suggest things that she likes, at which point I am usually given the lecture on parenting because he is apparently in a position to give others that lesson :P

I will continue to hope that he realizes what a colossal mistake he is making on a daily basis and take some responsibility...for her sake. Until then I will remain a Single Mom raising my little girl in the City and making a life for us without his help. And, of course, still on my own personal mission to find the man of my dreams :)