Disclaimer: This blog post may contain graphic material only suitable for adults with an emotional maturity older than that of a 22 year old man. This is not a high standard, but you've been warned.
We have all heard of this term. We all know someone that's been involved in a "friends with benefits" situation at some point. We all have an opinion on why these arrangements are an awful, terrible, very bad idea or a fucking fantastic idea. Turns out most men think it's an amazing idea (shocking right?!) and most women think it's an awful idea that will only end in heartache (again, another shocker!) I think it's a crap shoot. You might get lucky and your "friends with benefits" situation could turn into a serious committed relationship that is everything you have ever imagined. Or you might be devastated when you realize that you want more to be more than just friends with benefits - but he (or she) doesn't. Or it could work out in perfect synchronization and you meet someone else that is serious about dating you and you ditch your "friend" with no hard feelings - you each served your purpose and now you can just go back to being friends without any benefits.
I have been involved in a few of these "beneficial" situations and have found that, before anything else, you have to be prepared. Prepared for ANYTHING. Any possible outcome. You might lose a great friend (highly likely) or you might remain great friends and look back with fond memories on that time you had sex a few years ago (*rolls eyes*). Or, if you are me, you will probably end up in a situation with a great guy who is also your friend; your friend who has absolutely no desire to be in any kind of committed relationship (with you or anyone else), and you will foolishly think that by agreeing to a friends with benefits situation he might change his mind. Maybe he'll realize how amazing you are by sleeping with him- right? Wrong. He is going to have his cake and eat it too while you become emotionally attached. This is not going to end well. This never ends well.
If I have learned anything from my "friends" that at one time were allowed special privileges, it is that....
1) you should be prepared to lose your friend. Say your goodbyes now because your friendship will never be the same (please see the above for clarification on this). Sex will change things. Sex always changes things.
I can obviously only speak from a woman's perspective, but if I am in any kind of sexual relationship then I am willing to do whatever it takes to get him off. WHATEVER IT TAKES. But I expect a little reciprocity. I don't care if you have to grab your sleeping bag, flashlight, and pitch a tent in between my legs for the night, just GET THE JOB DONE. Don't smile at me after you've finished, stand up, put on your pants, kiss me goodnight & then sashay out of my apartment without a care in the world. Who the fuck thinks that this is okay?! No one thinks that this is okay - that's who. This will never be acceptable. This will get you called an asshole and the "benefits" will abruptly cease. Again, I can get myself off quicker than you can and I might as well do it myself if this is going to be the case. No more cake for you.
Don't get me wrong, I have been in a few successful "friends with benefits" situations that were mutually beneficial and ended amicably. We are still friends to this day minus the benefits and that suits us. But there have been plenty that have gone wrong either because they were not mutually beneficial (see #2 above) or because those little things called attachment and feelings got involved and blew it all out of the water. Either way, they were good learning experiences and I hope that this has helped either educate you or, at the very least, entertain you.
A few thoughts here from the male perspective (Well, *this* male's perspective at least). First off, you're right - this is not going to end well. I know this going into it. However, the key in my decision making paradigm is simple: Will I give two shits when this goes South?
ReplyDeleteAnd this is where we have a problem. Because if I can sit back and say that I will actually give a shit, then perhaps I should be pursuing more than FWB. And if I don't give a shit, then there's not much else going on except for "hey, she's hot"; in which case, will I want to spend any time with her at all? I mean, FWB or not, I can't just get mine and bail without SOME semblance of discussion.
Where things get interesting, however, is when there's booze involved. Because then, those things that were dealbreakers before now turn into things that are "cute" or "only some of the time...". On top of that, the aforementioned girl who was once moderately attractive has now morphed into some Kate Moss/Scarlett Johanssen/Jessica Alba chimera vixen of lust and desire. And of course, I have to turn on the charm in order to woo this sex Goddess who has transformed right in front of my eyes. Have I been blind this whole time!?
Aaaaaaand, then we go home together and have a passionate night of love making that would be worthy of the 50 Shades of Gray sequel (or at least that's what I tell myself as I do bicep curls in the mirror at the gym like a BOSS).. And then we wake up sober.
Well, shit. Now what? I've already crossed the threshold at this point, so I may as well just keep on keepin' on, right?
And at some point, one of the potential outcomes you mentioned happens. Oops!
Blame it on the Goose!
As far as your other points go, I think it's just important to understand that once a guy gets his, it's not that we don't WANT to hook you up, it's just that someone cast some kind of Harry Potter sleep spell on us and we lose all feeling in our legs and off we go. That's why I am a firm believer in ensuring she gets hers before I even start to worry about myself. Because when it's go time, it is what it is and then I become a parapalegic.
But hey, at least I won't be stealing the covers then.