We have a lot of conversations about a variety of topics and one that was had recently got me thinking about relationships and labels people use for them. It also became glaringly clear that he and I have very different views and definitions of what those labels mean. I also became aware of the weight that those labels carry, they have a lot of meaning that society has assigned to them and that's hard to ignore. Specifically, I have found the definition of "dating" to be quite confusing. Particularly because a lot of men misinterpret a woman's desire for a relationship with a woman's desire for a relationship with them specifically, this is not always the case. Yes, I want a relationship (who doesn't) and I date to find out if I want a relationship with you, not as a means to trick you into one. I need an evaluation period just as much as you do.
Now, there may be many definitions and opinions on this subject but in my opinion, a date refers to an activity that two people share with the intention of getting to know each other better on a potentially romantic level. Therefore, two people who are "dating", have shared several dates together and have made it clear to one another that they are interested in more than just a friendship. Dating is, essentially, getting to know someone over a period of time to determine if a relationship is something worth pursuing. You don't decide whether you see a future with someone before you date them, you date them to figure that out.
But, I seemed to be speaking a foreign language to him. Non capisco. I began to wonder if perhaps I didn't understand the definition of dating. Maybe it had changed and I had missed the memo. So, I did what anyone would do...I looked it up on Wikipedia.
"Dating is a form of human courtship consisting of social activities done by two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse."Phew. Wikipedia and I were in agreement. Dating is something you do before you enter into a relationship. It includes activities, not just text messages. It is a period of evaluation. I thought this was the definition understood by men and women everywhere. But obviously I was wrong.
This made me think it’s possible that all singles are floating around out there with different definitions of “dating.” For everyone's sake, I think we need to come up with an agreed upon definition. It seems hazardous to proceed without one. I'm going to attempt to set some guidelines here to avoid further confusion.
* Booty Call: Sex is the primary motivator. You don't go out in public together and you're maybe not even friends.
* Friends with benefits: Being friends is the primary motivator, but you have sex as well if you're both single. You hang out as friends without it being romantic.
* Dating (casually): More traditional dating. Not exclusive and does not imply a commitment, you can still date other people. You communicate frequently but there is not an assumption of invites to parties or being available on 'date' nights (friday/saturday).
* Dating (exclusively): Same as above but sexually exclusive (probably for safety reasons).
* Seeing someone: Dating someone exclusively (but without an official commitment) because you see them as having potential for more and don't want to screw it up and/or other people are no longer interesting to you. Has probably met your friends but they don't assume you'll bring the person to group events. You couldn't assume you were allowed to stay the night.
* Having a boyfriend or girlfriend: Dating someone exclusively with a commitment to someone that you're not looking for other people. You like them enough that you're not interested in seeing other people. Probably see them with a frequency of once or twice a week. Your friends know them and assume you will bring them to group events/parties etc. You could probably assume you are allowed to stay the night.
* A serious relationship: You see each other often. You can show up at any time without needing permission and you probably spend most nights together anyway. You assume that you will go on trips together and you probably have a key to their place.
While trying to figure out what "dating" actually is and how it's defined I realized the most important thing of all and I think Carrie Bradshaw said it best when she said "Maybe some labels are best left in a closet." Her statement was in reference to people and the labels that we give ourselves and others, I want to go a little further and include the labels that we give relationships. Maybe when we label relationships-talking, seeing each other, casually dating, dating exclusively, etc. - we forget to look past the label to the actual relationship that's happening. If you are happy with someone, does it really matter what you call it? Does the label define how happy you are? After thinking about it I decided that the label isn't that important to me, I'm happy and that's the most important part.
